I decided to become a programmer when I was 14. I read an article about women programmers in some girl's magazine and have tried to code some simple things. The feeling of building a program from scratch was so cool. It kept me motivated and helped me to stay on my path.
Because of this, I decided to study math and computer since at university and told my parents about it. But for some reason, they were sure programming is not for girls. They kept telling me I won’t manage to go to university or find any job in my future.
Actually, a lot of people told me that studying math is too difficult, almost not possible. That it’s for super-smart nerdy guys, not for me.
Now I think when people tell you that something isn’t possible for you it only means they think it’s impossible for them.
I was unwavering and enrolled in a Mathematics University Faculty. I’m proud of myself that I followed my dreams and didn’t listen to them. But their words somehow find a way to stay in my head. And I have got an awful imposter syndrome. It affected my career.
At least my psychologist thinks like this. I personally think this feeling was always with me.
When I moved to Amsterdam I was so scared nobody will hire me. My imposter syndrome was screaming inside me — you are not good enough, not smart enough! So I accepted the first offer and agreed to switch the field from web development to network development. I didn’t think much if that was ok with me or not. I just was happy I got the offer in Amsterdam and can stop looking for a job.
After a year I realized I am not really interested in network development and missed a web dev. The right move would be to start looking for a new job. But I still was scared as hell and stayed in the company for 4 years.
The company was great actually. With good people, warm lunches, and a bar in the basement. But I didn’t grow there. First I spend time learning how the internet works. If you switch your field as a programmer you still need extra time to learn new topics. And when I realized I’m not interested in it, there was no point to grow.
I was preparing myself to quit for half a year. And I’m so glad I did it in the end. I’m also glad I learned my lesson and this time I fight my imposter syndrome. I wasn’t afraid to look for a perfect job. One of my arguments was if I’ll find a really good job there would be a need to go through this again for a few years.
Only one thing I did wrong. I had 10 years of experience as a programmer at this time. I could look for a senior position. Actually, I even had experience in mentoring and leading people. But didn’t even try.
The process of looking for a new job wasn’t easy. I was studying hard. And was nervous during all of my interviews as hell. Every time I was thinking interviewers will catch me and they’ll see I’m not a real programmer. Once I started gasping for air at the end of the call so stressed out I was.
But I did it, I have got a great offer with a salary better than I expected.
My imposter syndrome is still with me. And I still fight it. Now I think I am a senior developer and want a promotion. There is a long way to try and get it. Wish me luck.
P.S. If you’ve read the article, I would really appreciate it if you could let me know how much you liked it through the number of claps!
